Episode 29: 10 Things I’ve Learned as a Mom
I legit cannot believe I have hit the milestone of being a mom for 10 years! 10 years people! I have been reflecting the last little bit about things I have learned and how much not only my kids have grown- but how much I have grown. As a person, and as a mother.
I think it’s kinda funny (or sad) that we don’t celebrate or talk more about this growth or these milestones that we have as moms. Sure, we have Mother’s Day- but that’s more for our kids to give us cute things. And of course we celebrate each year on our kids birthday’s and we celebrate their milestones- but think about it this way…there were actually TWO births that happened on the day your had your first kid. Your baby, yes obviously. But also a new addition of YOU. Not a whole new person -because You are still YOU. You didn’t die and get reborn- but You have now added on another piece to your identity, and that should totally be celebrated.
So yes, I am so excited to be celebrating my oldest turning 10 this month and throwing him a party and doing all the things to celebrate him and make him fee special and loved- but I’m also really pumped to be celebrating me and my 10 year MOM-iversary.
As a way to celebrate, I thought it would be fun to do a list of 10 things I’ve learned since becoming a mom. These are all over the board-
It’s goes by WAY too fast. Yep. Kicking things off with a cliche. But it’s a cliche because it’s true! It’s that the point of it being a cliche? I am sitting here scratching my head wondering how in the heck 10 years got here so fast. But the other cliche “the days are long but the years are fast” is also incredibly true. There were times in the past 10 years where I was so freaking tired and touched out, and so done with cleaning up spills and smelling dirty diapers that if one person said', '“ Oh enjoy it, it goes way too fast” I would have punched them. I don’t necessarily think you have to ENJOY it all because it goes by so fast- because that opens the door for mom guilt and you know how I feel about mom guilt- but I think just knowing that it does go by fast is enough.
Everyone (and their dog) has an opinion. From the second you get pregnant everyone in your life and even those who have literally nothing to do with you on a personal level, will have an opinion. That part I learned quick. What took me a little bit longer to learn was that it was just that. AN OPINION. An opinion is not fact. Can it be true….sure maybe? Can it be a load of crap? Yes. Is it most likely a reflection of the person with the opinion and not actually about yes. Hell yes. It’s taking me a lot of time and practice to get okay with other people’s opinions and to not let negative ones effect me. Whether its on a name choice, or a way I choose to parent, or how much time I take away from kids, or how often I feed them PB&J’s, or whatever else under the sun…I know that I am doing my best, that I am learning and growing. It’s hard to not second guess yourself when there are so many opinions swirling around, so I guess the lesson here is to be confident in yourself and understand that an opinion is just an opinion.
Moms need to feel seen and supported, more than they need your advice. Okay, story time. When my oldest was a baby, his sleep was…..the worst. It was like he didn’t need it. He never napped, he didn’t sleep consistently and if he did, it was right next to or on top of me. I was so freaking tired. Whenever I talked or vented about it, I was met with well meaning advice, but truthfully it wasn’t helpful. I mean, I too have access to the internet and guess what, since we never sleep I have plenty of time to google and research every possible sleep solution- so my lack of not knowing something wasn’t the problem. I really didn’t need advice. I needed to feel seen. I just needed someone to say- that sounds really hard, and maybe just give me a hug and tell me that I’m doing a good job. Sometimes we think by giving advice that we are giving support- but it doesn’t always feel like that. As my kids are getting older the problems are a lot more complex than just not sleeping. It’s technology and friends, and maturing, and body stuff, and dating, and mental health and so many things. If and when I complain or vent or just need to talk it out with someone, I’m not doing it for advice. I just need to feel seen, to feel supported. And I think all moms do. That experience with my oldest not sleeping, it really helped me learn this lesson and it’s something I try to make sure I do with moms in the thick of it now. I don’t just want to hurl my advice at you. I want you to know that I see you. I support you. I’m here.
Self care isn’t selfish. Alright gang. I feel like as a society we are getting a little better at the whole idea of “moms don’t just have to be these selfless martyrs that never take care of themselves and run themselves ragged and earn a who’s the busiest/best mom award. We’re getting there. But for the people in the back- SELF CARE ISN’T SELFISH! Think of it this way- if you were going to hire someone to take care of your kids would you want someone to step in who feels super run down, is tired, depressed, never takes any time off, has a negative mindset, hates the way their body looks, someone who just runs and go go go’s never stopping to eat or breathe … and gets excited for a bathroom break- just to get a break. Um- HELL TO THE NO! You would not find that acceptable. You would want more from and out of the person. So why in the heck should it be any different for you. It shouldn’t. You have a RESPONSIBILITY to take care of yourself so that you are able to show up in your life as the highest version possible. You need to be able to come to all your many roles with energy and a love for life and that comes through knowing WHEN and HOW to put yourself and your needs on the table. Which brings me to #5.
Basic care isn’t self care! There is a funny REEL i’ve seen going around that depicts this perfectly. It’s a mom who gets her “self care” in when she gets to pee in peace, go to the grocery store alone, and gasp.. take a shower. We’ve all heard the joke “ the grocery store is like a vacation”. NO IT’S NOT! It’s still taking care of your family! I know we like to think that a Target run is for ourselves- but how many times have you been in Target and passed an isle and got reminded of something you needed to pick up for a member of your family. Self care is things like really taking notice of your mood, going to therapy, moving your body, it’s getting INTENTIONAL time by yourself to do the things that re-energize you. Things that light you up and that fill your soul.
Grace, Grace, Grace! For yourself and for others. Are there some crappy people out there? For sure, but for the most part- most of us are just trying our best, including you. So let’s go ahead and use the benefit of the doubt and offer up grace more. There is no need to be crazy critical or judgmental. I mean, is that helping? Does it make you feel better when you beat up yourself mentally? Does it make you feel better to put someone else down so you seem like a better mom (if yes, we need to talk some more…) But really grace and self compassion will go a LONG way. In fact, I have an episode about this that is SOOO GOOD. It’s episode 3 with Brittany Crane from Get Out There Girl, and you should DEFINITELY give it a listen.
You are always doing something new and something you’ve never done before. And guess what: SO IS EVERYONE ELSE! The crazy thing about being a mom is that the job is always changing. I’m totally heading into a new arena of motherhood right now. My youngest just turned 5 and hits kindergarten next year and my 10 year old is officially a ‘tween. I’m no longer carrying around diaper bags and planning trips around nap times. The job has shifted and it’s something I’ve never done before. So yeah, I’m not a “new” mom anymore but I’m new to being a mom of a 10 year old. And soon I’ll be a new mom to a teenager and so on. There are always going to be things that are new and that will challenge you. The cool thing is- that’s not just true for you- but it’s true for every parent out there. We are all just taking it one day at a time and trying our best each day. So give yourself a little pat on the back, and maybe give another mom a shoutout too- cause ya know we are all just figuring this out as we go.
Sexy is a state of mind. Listen, you aren’t getting your 17 year old body back. So take a minute or however much time you need to mourn those perky boobs….and now let’s move on. First let me tell you a story about my first post partum experience. I’m 5’2” and none of that is my torso. It’s small- and it got stretched- and the stretch mark gods were like “ this girl needs some marks yall!” after I gave birth to my first I legit looked like I survived a freaking bear attack on my stomach. And I wish I was exaggerating. I am not. It was a freaking mess. I remember looking in the mirror and feeling so devastated and thought “ well, this is what i’ve got now.” They say that time heals all wounds- and yes over time my scars have faded and my saggy skin has gotten slightly better, but more than time heals- is that mindset heals. And your mindset has so much to do with how you view your “mom bod”
I’ve had so many years of getting to this place of loving my body and really believing that sexy is a state of mind. But it is. You are as SEXY as you believe you are. So say those affirmations. Get yourself some fun bras and underwear. Move your body to a sexy song, believe your partner when they tell you that you are sexy. And little by little- your mind takes over and sexy really does become a state of mind.The way you talk to yourself matters. Hi. Of course something about your mindset and inner dialogue would be included here. It’s me. And becoming a mother and being in this role is what has helped me learn that your mindset and your inner voice is so important to how you show up each day and live your life.
You are You. Outside of Motherhood. You have an identity. I was talking to a friend the other day who had this really cool thought about becoming a mom and the transition. And that in motherhood there are multiple times that we transition (like I was talking about with babies and tweens) and that with each transition as moms we can kind of feel lost or have an identity crisis of sorts. She called it lost in transition and it really spoke to me. It drove home that I really am a person outside of motherhood.